A Genuine Question(s)
I saw a video on the internet (god, why do I sound so old?) that made me question my own sanity. It was this dude doing a short skit, playing all the characters. There were only two characters though, the dude and his therapist. It went kind of like this,
Dude’s therapist: “So, do you have any suicidal thoughts?”
Dude: “Only the normal amount,”
Dude’s therapist: (a pause) “The normal amount is zero,”
Dude: (shocked).
That’s how the video went. Now, the genuine question is, do others really don’t have intrusive thoughts where they feel killing themselves out of nowhere? Because I do. I have those thoughts almost every night just before I fall asleep.
Surely there’s no sane person who would want to live in this world? or is that thought that makes me not a sane person? The thought of someone having this full-to-the-brim-almost-spilling will of life is ridiculous for me. I don’t know if it’s the stay at home speaking, but I don’t feel like living life post-pandemic.
I have always question whether those late night thoughts are universal or not. You know, the kind of thought where you think about the amount of work and years you have to do in the future and your head gets all fuzzy and you can’t see yourself anywhere doing anything even 5 years ahead and then your brain just goes,
“Bang your head to this wall right now. Just bang it and you won’t have to worry. No, really, bang it,”
You know, that kind of thought.
I get those thoughts almost every day. Usually late night or just when I’m alone in general. Just last night, I thought about later life where my parents would be so old that their dying days are closer to them than mine and I almost decided to not sleep at all just so I could spend more time with them. That’s normal, right?
The aforementioned video really messed me up. I almost planned on asking my parents to take me to a professional to talk to. It gave me an anxiety. Thinking the results that would come from talking to a professional. What if this and what if that.
Another question that has been heavy in my mind is what’s so bad about dying and being dead? Why do we cry when someone die? Why is suicide so frowned upon? I always thought that we have zero control for our birth so we should at least have a little control for our death.
Don’t get me wrong. I cry at funerals. I don’t want people to die. It’s just a very confusing aspect of being a human. Crying over deaths and even more crying over intentional ones. I can’t think of any other reason except that human is a selfish being and their world only revolves around them.
It’s not a good feeling. Questioning your own sanity, that is. Are those questions normal? Am I normal? What is normal? Why should we be normal? Thoughts that ate us up little by little.
I don’t even know where am I going with this writing, but what about you? Do you ever think of ending everything and just… let yourself be?
